I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
