I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
