Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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