I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
