I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
