I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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