she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
