R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
