I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
