I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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