remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
