Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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