Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
