don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
