While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
