covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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