I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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