i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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