the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
