Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
