Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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