Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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