We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
