Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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