Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
