i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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