I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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