i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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