Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
