we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
