I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
