I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
