we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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