I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
