well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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