Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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