I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
