you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
