; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
