i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
