Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
