can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
