I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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