sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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