i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
