I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
