Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
