My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
