Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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