Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
